Kina, Families & Addiction Trust

Anonymous Story

Posted on 28 October 2016 | 1 Comments

Hi there, so this is my first entry. I’m married to an alcoholic. He is okay when drinking at home but not when he goes out on the weekend with the boys - which he has done almost every weekend since we got married a year ago – always showing up in the morning. Some weekends he comes back home crying, asking me to help him and wondering what is wrong with him. I think lately I have realised that he uses this to manipulate me. The past few months his drinking has really affected me (or now I know that I let it affect me) and our relationship. Its become a pattern- he goes out…, comes back in the morning…, and our house becomes a war zone. I kept it to myself for quite a while, but three months ago decided to tell the family. Of course he blamed me for sharing his secret. 

I was feeling really broken one day – so shared this situation with a friend who recommended that I try Al Anon. I would say this is the best gift I have given myself. I am learning so much about looking after myself and breaking some of the patterns that have always left me feeling even more angry and resentful. My partner’s behaviour just seems to be getting worse. Recently he missed work because he was too drunk. He decided to call a therapist – and had his first session. But he went out again this past weekend – and as always showed up in the morning. I love him, and the rational part of me really wants to leave as it would be the easy thing to do. It pains me to see him struggle – thinking he can deal with it by himself. I have stopped thinking that I can help him. For now I am committed to my own recovery. I am greatly inspired by the stories and experiences in here. So thank you very much.

Comments

  • Thank you for sharing. You are relatively new into your marriage so as yet not too much damage done. However maybe reflect on the personal harm you have experienced in just a short time and imagine your life in another year or two years if your husband doesn’t get better.

    I think the hardest thing for the non-alcoholic partner is deciding when enough is enough. Al-Anon will be helping you but I have learnt you need to gain knowledge from many area’s with different perspectives in order to make the right decision for you. Kina is one way of doing this but continue to learn and you will grow.

    I have been married to an alcoholic for many years who over that time has drunk on and off but in the last six years his drinking has got worst including his behaviour, we have two sons. I am a compassionate person and very understanding of my husbands issues many are valid they drink to mask their emotions, however drinking makes everything worst. As resilient as I am, if my children were in this same situation I would encourage them to put a time limit on it. I think one year is generous, if they haven’t sorted themselves out by then you can pretty much expect your quality of life to worsen.

    If you are up for that, can carry on looking after yourself and your family members, set rules and boundaries for the alcoholic, live a good life but not be in a happy marriage then you may choose to continue. But be aware no matter how ok you feel with the situation, how hard you work at managing your life and theirs, you will not fully grow you will not fully extend yourself you will sacrifice yourself for the sake of the alcoholic. If you are a parent you will have to double (more than double) what you would normally put into your children because they are one parent less. And what about if any of your close family members become unwell or friends, will you be able to cope with that because you will not get the support you need from the alcoholic.

    After some time it helps to be practical and less emotional to get through. Sit down and calculate the amount of hours the emotional and physical labour you have invested into the alcoholic, not the sober husband the alcoholic, everything, conversations, missed social gatherings, lies to others to avoid, missed appointments or outings for yourself, missed opportunities (education, social, personal) missed friendships and relationships, time spent with the alcoholic instead of others or yourself, hours your’ve spent avoiding him, time spend alone because you can’t handle being with anyone else, time at the doctors time at Al Anon, time being ‘absent’ from a conversation because your mind is distracted thinking of the alcoholic. Time spent watching a movie or TV programme and the story makes you reflect on your situation. Add up this time and quantify this, is it justified? is he worth it? what are you missing out on? Would your time and energy and love and attention be better spent elsewhere.

    You may choose to leave plan for it carefully so you will be better off not worst, if so cut your losses and do not look back, do not give him another chance, move on and do not blame yourself in any way if something happens to him, equally be happy for him if he finally gets better because you left or he meets someone else. It’s not a competition its about quality of life.

    You may choose to stay in the marriage and limit what time you allow to spend on the alcoholic choosing to qualify how you invest your attention. This will certainly strengthen your resilience, and improve your self-esteem. Everyones circumstances are different some choose to stay for financial reasons and because the other options are not what you prefer. It may be you stay but you change, respect your husband but no longer tolerate his alcoholic behaviour. Think of it as investing in yourself and him. It is a give and take world, if you do not receive in some shape or form why should you continue to give. This could be down to very simple basic things such as him not ranting at you means you talk to him respectfully. If he rants at you, you walk away. If you have prepared dinner and he is drunk you don’t need to sit down together, you have gone to the trouble of preparing the least he can do is respect what you have provided. If he is sober and respectful sit down together, go see a movie. If he starts to rant at you when you come to bed, make up a spare room/bed and get a good nights sleep. Start again the next day. As with disciplining children be consistent, be constant. Do not reward bad behaviour remember it’s about the behaviour more than the drinking, you can have a sober disrespectful angry person. Equally do not be dramatic, handle things calmly and think things through. Think ahead and have an answer/plan for whatever occurs, and start again.

    It’s important to trust again, but be private do not exchange your personal thoughts and feelings with just anyone, (well-being & alcoholic help/organisations excluded) don’t replace one damaged relationship with another unhealthy one.

    Only you know how long you can do this for, and remember the sacrifice you make is your freedom.

    Posted by Mary, 28/10/2016 12:16pm (2 years ago)

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