Kina, Families & Addiction Trust

Holly's Story

Posted on 2 December 2015 | 2 Comments

I'm finding it hard to find help, for me. My partner drinks, not everyday but when he does, he can't stop. I'm the one worrying about him driving home drunk (we live rurally). He's self employed so this is self destructive behaviour. Some times he is falling down drunk, or vomiting drunk, or happy drunk. For me personally I feel the only saving grace is he is a happy drunk, never physical or violent.
He hasn't always been this way so I can't help but wonder if I'm at fault. This is a second relationship for both of us but we've been together more than 13 years, so why now? He can't / won't tell me. When I asked after this weekend’s 1am arrival why he was damaging our relationship and was he going to change, he said "maybe, in the future.” My suggestion that the future may be too late was met with a shrug.
Financially leaving isn't an option but I can't face a future where growing old is going to be so lonely. I'm 47 and I don't want to start again. But where to from here? How do I let go but still live with him?

Comments

  • Hello Holly,
    I am a member of the most wonderful, life saving, sanity saving and source of tangible hope, a group called Al Anon.
    It was in this group of people struggling with exactly the same things as you and me that I learnt in answer to your question "is it my fault":

    You didn't cause it
    You can't cure it
    You can't control it.
    With the help of Al Anon you will see why this is true.
    Your husband's drinking is completely his responsibility and with Al Anon support it is entirely possible to learn how to detach from the effects you are experiencing from his drinking. This is not to say you will have to isolate yourself from him but instead to manage
    with out resentment, sadness, anger and frustration, fear or hopelessness.
    The prospect of growing old and being lonely is unacceptable and too painful to
    see as an option.
    Through Al Anon I was able to achieve these things, by using the group support the literature and the philosophy especially One Day At A Time.
    Holly you are not alone when there is the support and genuine caring of the members who understand what this is like, and come through it with joy and a lot more peace in life.
    Letting go of the struggle and taking up option of what is on offer, allows you to stay with your husband who you clearly you love very much, and God Bless you for that.
    The most remarkable part of all is that so often when the partner seeks help the drinker also decides to make changes and seek help where he/she needs to.
    Al Anon saved my life.
    I am here to support you.
    Linda

    Posted by Linda Hay, 02/12/2015 3:53pm (4 years ago)

  • Hi Holly, thanks for your heartfelt post. Wanting our loved one's to change, and not seeing that change happen when its sooo obvious to us how needed it is can be really soul destroying. There is hope though! Check out our family clinician Ara's six stages of change blog in the blogs section of this site, I think it'll really help you deal with your situation. All the best and remember to look after yourself!

    Posted by Nate, 02/12/2015 10:59am (4 years ago)

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