Kina, Families & Addiction Trust

Sad's story

Posted on 20 May 2015 | 3 Comments

I married a lovely guy we had children who were in their teenage years before he started the downward slide
into drug addiction. At first it was a slow process, he started to get grumpy within our relationship. Then he
started to make some very belittling remarks, not like him at all, his personality started to change.
I knew something wasn't right but I did not know the full extent of his addiction until we travelled overseas,
someone mentioned to our son that if not for the trip he would be dead by now. 
Through this time he started having affairs, usually with other drug users, where he felt comfortable.
We separated and got back together several times, I was hoping for the lovely guy I married to come back.
He tried a few times but he still associated with the same people, some people he would not have given
the time of day to before.
We have been separated for a year now, it was finally, after 12 or so years, too hard to live with. Trust was
gone, he thought nothing of having affairs, I think he got off on the fact that he had a home life and he had his
bits on the side. He is living with the last one, happy, don't think so, but his choice. I have had many people
coming up to me and saying he's not the same.
From a guy that was a hard worker, with a very involved job, great father to a crack addict. I feel so sad but
until he, or if he, decides to wake up there is nothing we can do.
The drug dealers don't care that families are destroyed, people are destroyed they only care about the money.
The sad thing is that drug addicts become drug dealers to pay for their habit.
Living with an addict is something I never thought I would do, you make excuses for them, you cover for them.
You are alone because it is not something you can talk about it with others, you feel ashamed.

Comments

  • Also can I add, you say 'until he decides to wake up...' No. He has made his decisions, he has trampled on your relationship, you have given years of your life to him, and he has burned his bridges with you. That's my opinion, feel free to reply if you don't approve of my statements, I just think sometimes we need to hear it straight. When you are caught up in a cycle of bad behaviour within a relationship its so hard to see out. I am in this, and I kind of want someone to tell me I have to get out, but no one ever says that. To an outsider, it sounds to me like his actions speak louder than his words, his actions are not the foundation for the rest of your lives even if he does change. ALSO sorry one more thing, I firmly believe you need to show your kids (regardless of how old they are) that it is not acceptable for a husband to treat a wife this way. I say this specifically because, my husbands parents have a dreadful relationship. In the early years there was heaps of drugs and alcohol and violence. He cheated on her for years with someone else and lots of other times too even fathering a child in another country. She tried a few times but she never ever managed to leave. Now they are in their early 60's still together, he still talks to her like she is a slave, very controlling, he still drinks and is abusive. She told me she has chosen to support him. Thats her decision. But for me, the fact that my husband has these as his role models for husbandry and parenting, has a very negative impact on us. Now our children go over to their grandparents house and come home and tell me to 'shut up Mummy' because they've heard their grandfather say it to their grandmother. Your choices effect more than only you and I think its terrific for your kids and the next generation that you have taken a stand to show what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. As I said, feel proud! x

    Posted by Danielle, 24/06/2016 4:47pm (3 years ago)

  • Thank you for sharing. It is so strange how someone can start off as a solid person and then for no apparent reason go backwards instead of forwards in their life. But it happens. I married someone who had issues from the start who in fact I should never have chosen as a partner, but you figure these things out too late and are invested by then. I think it is very hard to leave a long term relationship, with children. Ours is only 14 years long and we have littlies. When I consider whether he can change (alcohol dependency and P addiction) I think the chances are very slim given where he's come from. I can see how it would have been so hard to walk away from your situation. Do you feel good, though? You should. You should feel very proud because the step you have finally made, is the right one, I believe. I think affairs really bring an extra element of disrespect to a relationship and women soooo do not deserve to be treated like that. All the things you would have done in kindness and love for him all those years? I hope you are managing to restore yourself and starting to find joy in life without that partnership, after all, you have taken that final step, that's the hardest part done, so it's time to move forward. Just in case you need to hear it, NEVER take this guy back. Please post again another time to encourage us all, about how much better life is on the other side? I am at breaking point in my relationship and I'm pretty sure I do need to end it, but its still so hard to do when there's years of love. Its so helpful to hear these stories. Kia Kaha and all the best :-)

    Posted by Danielle, 24/06/2016 4:35pm (3 years ago)

  • This is so true - that's how I feel about my daughter right now....I know I am not alone - I do feel ashamed...I am learning from reading all the blogs that this is not unusual...I feel so helpless - I am so scared of my daughter's future - just what is the next step?????lol

    Posted by Kathleen Puahuire Sauer, 23/02/2016 2:35pm (4 years ago)

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