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Yvonne's Story

My partner is an alcoholic. We've been through all the hell of alcohol fuelled domestic violence, abuse, assaults and threats to kill to the point where I was afraid I was gonna end up dead. We separated for six months, then he begged me to come back. I accepted with one condition- no more alcohol. EVER. He agreed. He managed to keep sober for 4 months, which was huge for him. Then, out of the blue, the addiction hit again. It just happened one day, with no apparent reason. I knew from the moment I saw him. I told him he'd been drinking and he denied it. We started a huge argument at home where I was told I was the crazy one, I was the one making up things and cheating on him and finding reasons to leave him while he was innocent and “just tired.” He's an expert in manipulation and gas lighting. I already know him too well though. I don't buy it anymore. I’ve come to the point that I'm unable to eat and I throw up every time I smell alcohol on his breath or see him drunk. I can't cope anymore. We’ve had endless discussion about me leaving him if he doesn't stop. He was very adamant that “never again.” And then it took just hours to drink again. We've gone through all the yelling, screaming, and blaming circus- to no avail. He will swear that he'll be sober and after few hours he'll be drunk again. He'll swear again that it was “the last time,” then drink again. It's like I'm not talking to the same person. He's talking to me about how much we mean to him and he tells us he doesn't wanna lose us, he’s down on his knees begging and at the same time, half of his brain is searching for a reason to leave the house and get another vodka. I hate his duality the most. I feel so helpless and so betrayed by being told the same cliché all over again- and being invariably let down. I feel I'm getting broken too. Last night I told him I'm leaving him- and I will- for good this time. There's no trust and no hope left. Even if I leave, I still feel that I lost the battle. That alcohol was stronger than whatever I did or meant to him. I tried my best- and I failed. And its a very epic fail. We lost two houses, savings of a life time, businesses, families, and friends in the process of trying and trying to fight the addiction. The addiction was stronger. It won. Now there's nothing left. And I am too tired and damaged myself to keep on. And while I am grieving, I know for sure that he'll get a bottle and laugh. Because when he's drunk- and lately he's drunk all the time- he doesn't care. I am the one having to face life, the consequences and the pain for no other reason than I loved and believed in an alcoholic to the end.

1 comment

1 Comment

Oct 04, 2021

Hi Yvonne - thanks for sharing. Did you leave? I hope you make an update, your situation sounded extremely painful and the fact that you were vomiting often shows how incredibly stressed/fearful you were. Have you ever phoned a refuge just to talk? My husband has never hit me but his behaviour is still abusive emotionally and psychologically and women's refuge etc take this very seriously as it is. I hope you have left safely and if you are still in your situation I think you should start doing a bit of personal learning about the cycle you are in, that knowledge will eventually help you get out of it, which you absolutely must do. If you have gotten out,…

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